|realizing something through tears
||[Aug. 14th, 2003|12:18 am]
crying out loud
I don't know why but right now I feel like crying...I don't feel sad or depressed or anything.
I think it's more of a emotional drained thing. I went through a few today. And I just feel helpless right now with wanting to help my friends.
I feel for them and what they are going through.
Like I pick up on their emotions and make them my own. Empathy!!
I also feel bad because Brian and I are doing good right now and I don't want to say anything because that would be throwing it in their faces.
I had a convo with a friend about changing for someone else and I asked Brian about it and he doesn't think that he has changed at all since we met. I think he has in little ways but he hasn't changed in away to make me happy. He has been staying himself and doing what he wants to do. And for the most part I let him, unless it deals with hurting himself like drinking to much and smoking/dipping. Then I have problems with that. But I don't completely take it away from him. I buy him beer and smokes when I know he needs and stuff.
I also realized that I changed for him. I change if I think it will help the relationship or whatever. Or I stop doing something if I think it will hurt it.
Like studying wicca. I've been interested in for awhile but was afraid to get into it because of my family and then because of Brian. I know he's not comfortable with it. But he did give me full permission to study what I want and do what I want. But it's been me thats been stopping myself from doing something I will probably enjoy and will maybe help me.
I've tried staying away from guys and becoming close to them as friends. Because of the past and what I've done to Brian. but I know he doesnt want me to stop from being friends with guys, he trusts me. But it's me stopping myself again.
So I'm learning how to be myself again and be happy!! I'm learning how to tell him how I feel about things without being afraid of how he's going to react. And I think its helping the relationship even more because in turn its making me happier which makes him happier to see me happy.
Thank you cutiekitty